


Science in the middle of nowhere - A comedy from outer space

by NotNole



Category: Original Work
Genre: Drama, Sci-Fi, Science Fiction, stageplay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28026447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotNole/pseuds/NotNole
Summary: The planet with the oh so nice to pronounce name of5p3kdn6ie9jndFb78GNol3 is a place of wonder: It's full of illusions, hostile terrain, blood and poison rain, deadly nano particles in the air and a lot of other stuff that is constantly trying to kill anyone on it's surface.Characters:Dr.³ Claudia Cloudpaw has been here for... a lot of time and she is quite enjoying her solitude, but sometimes one needs a helper.Theodore gets sent there as a lab assistant, but didn't actually get any briefing aside from that.And that's literally all the characters. It's simple.
Kudos: 1





	Science in the middle of nowhere - A comedy from outer space

A comprehensive list of the many, many characters in this:

Theo (T), a lab assistant, plant lover, friendly, likes people

Dr.Dr.Dr. Claudia Cloudpaw (C), a scientist, pragmatic, possibly a touch misanthropic...maybe…sometimes...

That’s it. That’s literally it.

Theo walks on stage. He is wearing a slightly wrinkly, light pink pullover and big, round glasses. He almost hits his head on the door frame, then looks around. The room has lots of plants all over the place, a desk with an old radio and a microphone, as well as a silver thingy on it in a corner and a hideous looking sofa on a fluffy, grey carpet in its middle.

T: This is nice… I hope the scientist is as well…

Claudia comes on stage, wearing a slightly too big knitted jumper, pushing up half-moon shaped glasses and taking off a gas mask. She looks at Theo, walks around him once, making him visually uncomfortable, then stops in front of him, looks up to look him in the eyes. 

C: You’re too early.  
T: What? I thought the pods could only be on time.  
C: If you’re here before me, you’re too early

Theo is visibly uncomfortable and confused, which Claudia completely ignores.

T: Maybe you were too late?  
C: No. You. Were. To. Early. Got it?

Theo nods and Claudia makes her way to the other end of the stage

C: Good. Do me a favour and set up the anatlytron for me.

Theo follows her, even more confused

T: The what?

Claudia sighs

C: They sent me a newbie, didn’t they? I still don’t get why they keep sending me newbies.. I mean I highly doubt that the council thinks “Oh, let’s send her someone on their first mission whenever she asks to be assigned a lab assistant, since she is such a good teacher and makes people feel so comfortable!” So why the hell do they ask that?

Claudia puts her gas mask on the desk.

T: Well, the council works in ways a human mind couldn’t possibly comprehend.

C waves a hand dismissively

C: Nonsense. The A.I. was programmed by a human, so it should be able to be understood by one.  
T: So you follow a human philosophy?  
C: I follow the philosophy of one, very specific human by the name of C.Cloudpaw.  
T: Never heard of them.  
C: That would have surprised me, I never bothered actually writing any of my musings down.

C chuckles a little. Both fall silent for a moment, just looking at each other, then Theo awkwardly holds out a hand.

T: I’m Theo. Actually Theodore, but everybody calls me Theo, so yeah. 

Claudia looks at the hand, then nods, but doesn’t take it.

C: Doctor Doctor Doctor Claudia Cloudpaw, you can call me whatever you want, it’s just us two up here, so I can just assume that if you talk you are addressing me. That is, if you don’t start talking to yourself, which I wouldn’t blame you for, some people aren’t made for being almost completely alone.

Theo seems a touch surprised and a little scared.

T: There aren’t any other researchers?

Claudia nods.

C: Yeah, weird thing about this place: You have four or more people in any sort of proximity and all of them turn into homicidal maniacs. Sometimes they send an inspector and since you got this job, I am probably safe in the assumption that you can count.  
T: That’s sad.  
C: No. It’s just reality. Stop being such a pessimist.  
T looks a bit offended.

T: I’m not a pessimist  
C: Do you have proof for that theory? We are scientists after all.

Thoughtful silence.

T: That’s why they sent you here, isn’t it?  
C: Define “That”.  
T: You say what you think. And you offend people with that.

C shrugs.

C: Some people can’t take the truth apparently.

C unlocks the door to the laboratory, then stops and turns around to face T.

C: I suppose they didn’t brief you on this, so I’ll have to do that. There are a few rules when it comes to working in this place, especially with me. Aside from normal stuff that you have to keep in mind in any lab. None of them are hard to understand, but they are extremely important: One: whenever you do any experiments here, record yourself. This,

C pulls out a recorder from under the table

C: could save your life. Two: I don’t have a problem with you asking why I tell you to do something, I am not so insecure that I couldn’t handle being questioned, but if I tell you to just fucking run without an explanation, you just run in whatever direction I point you. Three: If we go outside, wear a gas mask. There is enough oxygen in the atmosphere to survive, but it’s also full of tiny little and really sharp glass particles that you don’t want to breathe in. Four: If you ever feel disorientated, utterly confused by things that shouldn’t confuse you, or if you have a sudden headache in here, tell me immediately, get into your pod and lock the door. I don’t exactly know why that is, but I don’t want to find out. And lastly, and I don’t think I have to tell you this, since you seem like a decent person, but what do I know, I spend a lot of time explicitly not interacting with people, so here it is: Don’t mess with my glasses. If you do, I will kill you as soon as I find you and then say that you went off in an act of utter defiance and then got yourself killed somehow. Got it?

Theo, now looking slightly concerned, nods

C: Well then. I found some shi… I mean probes outside, let’s get started analysing, we have a lot to do.

Both walk through the door (off stage)


End file.
